The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did....she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops....
although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year!
You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!
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A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".
The operator says, "How do you know?"
He says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"
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My girlfriend says she thinks that I might be a stalker.
Well... she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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A wife says to her husband "You're always pushing me around and talking behind my back."
And he says "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair!"
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My wife has been missing a week now.
The police said to prepare for the worst.
So, I went down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.
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